The best way to do that is to give you some of the valuable material in advance. On the right-hand-side of the screen you’ll notice an addition to the page. There is a box titled 7 Parenting Myths where you can sign up for a free e-course that reveals the seven common misconceptions most people have about parenting.

“Why would I sign up for another list and more e-mails?”

Well, you don’t have to. But the only way to get that information is to sign up, or wait for the community to open on Thursday at 3 pm (Pacific Time). Either way it is free, and either way, you’ll get the benefit of knowing something new.

And to show you a little of what is in the free e-course, I’ll share Myth #1 with you before the end of this post. (If you can’t wait a minute longer, scroll down below and read it now, or just enter your name and accurate e-mail address in the box on the right.)

Now, to answer the question of, “What is inside the Breakthrough Parenting Online community?” I have to begin with what it isn’t.

This is not expensive. It is not a “classroom” although a lot of learning can be done. We are not here to tell you how to do things. This is a place for people who care about children and raising responsible people to communicate about what works.

Many of us didn’t have great role models or parents who had training in modern parenting skills, and it is our job to teach ourselves how to be the best parents that we can be, in order to help our children create success in their lives.

Features of the site (just to name a few):

Breakthrough Parenting Online Lessons

Read the Book

Listen to the Audio

Complete the Workbook

Watch the Video Lessons - [coming in June]

Participate in the Forums

Chat with other people Online

Connect with Friends and Family

Post wins and accomplishments in personal Blogs

Browse through many articles, posts, and free e-courses to learn more about Breakthrough Parenting.

And that’s just the beginning. There isn’t enough space here to list all that is coming. Because you are on this early list, your subscription rate will be significantly lower than future enrollment.

And, because you are early in the community, your suggestions will hold a lot of weight with us! We want to hear from you! What’s working? What are wins that you are having? What could work better? What feels like it is missing? What type of events would you like to participate in? Tele-seminars, live events, support-circles (live in person in your community, on-the-phone, or both).

We’re including a “survey” inside the community that will be a place to provide anonymous feedback. So, if being heard is important to you, know that it is important to us, too.

And with that, I believe we’ve touched on most of the important parts.

On to the 7 Parenting Myths:

Myth #1: Punishment and discipline are the same thing.

People often use the terms interchangeably, but they are two very
different concepts. Discipline means to teach. Punishment means to
cause emotional or physical pain. Punishment builds fear and leads
to avoidance of the punisher. Punishment focuses on what not to do.
Discipline teaches what to do. Parents need skills to become a
disciplinarian or teacher of their children, which will always
amount to showing them how to be responsible in their thoughts and
actions.

Not everyone understands this right away. The entire course (which is only seven days in length) puts it into very digestible terms that easily sink in. I encourage you to sign up so that you get an idea of the kind of valuable information you’ll find in Breakthrough Parenting Online.

To avoid confusion, know that when you sign up using the form on the right, you’ll get this same myth in your mailbox on the first day because the course is intended to be a reference resource for you over the years.

I trust all this is helping you feel prepared for getting started with us in a few short days. I know I’m amazed at how much work our team is putting in to preparing all of this for you. I lost count of the number of volunteers and projects. I’m just grateful that my birthday wish of creating a lasting legacy is coming true!

For your family,

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. Bristolyn is working on a Tutorial Video that should get posted sometime Tuesday (fingers crossed), that will demonstrate how to get your community subscription started with ease. She’s great at showing how to do stuff and keeping it all fun. So keep an eye out for that video.

PPS. Now’s your last chance to ask questions. We want your questions because they help us get your community just right. You are important to us. Your children are important to us. We are committed to go to extraordinary lengths to make this experience perfect for you.

PPPS. Breakthrough Parenting Instructors! We are preparing for you. When you enter the community, you’ll be able to identify yourselves as Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructors. Once we’ve confirmed your certification, you’ll have additional resources available to you inside the community.

PPPPS. It is getting ridiculous how excited I am about this. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and it is becoming so fun I almost can’t stand it! Can you tell?

For Starters, allow me to say that we really appreciate your help in making this tough decision.

Also, we’re very excited to celebrate the fortune of one father who will be the first to receive a copy of the Breakthrough Parenting Audio Book.

As you know we’ve been running a contest, and as of today, that contest will be closed. We’re sorry you missed it, and we encourage you to act quickly in the future.

And now, on to the good stuff! Drum roll please!

Who won the Breakthrough Parenting Audio Book?

Let’s introduce him.

Congratulations Rory Smith!

Great Job Rory! He’ll get a copy of the Audio Book as soon as it is recorded and pressed.

And now, to introduce the Voice of Breakthrough Parenting.

But before I do, this one has an interesting twist. We first posted requests on Craig’s List and Elance. And through some friends caught a demo that we really liked.

Because it was such a tough decision, we posted our best eight submissions onto the Contest Page using Survey Monkey (what a great tool).

It’s so amazing what the Internet allows.

Anyhow, after all the votes came in, Holly Adams was the clear choice.

And here’s where it gets interesting. Holly is a friend of Breakthrough Parenting. Her son Romeo is in an upcoming video. And Romeo’s father was in the opening video on this site. That’s right, MacEwen and Holly raise Romeo and both of them have committed to bringing as much to this project as they can.

Here you can listen to her voice and catch a glimpse of how good this book is going to be.

Just imagine driving in the car, or listening at the office with your headphones. That will be so helpful, won’t it! And not only is Holly a great voice to bring to the project, additional skills come to the table with Don May, engineer and owner of Signal Core.

Holly Adams is an on-air voice talent at KCRW in Santa Monica. With years of experience as both an announcer and nightclub DJ, Holly is also a mom. She’s always down to help others create new and wonderful experiences in the world of art, music and entertainment. “I’ve been lucky to have really wonderful projects to work on in the past. When something like this came along — a chance to give back to children — I couldn’t pass it up.”

Don May began his Radio Broadcasting, Production and Voice Over career in 1988, at the age of 21. In 1991, when his first radio station changed formats and became the legendary LA station, MARS-FM, Don met Holly, an on-air personality. It was during his tenure at “MARS” that Don honed his skills in Audio Production. After MARS-FM folded Don opened “Signal Core Productions”. The studio has provided its services for Jackson Brown, Tommy Lasorda and many others. “Holly and I have worked together off and on throughout most of our careers. She’s such a professional and brings great energy to every project she does…and I know being a mom is super important to her. These attributes are what make her the perfect person for this project.”

Both talents are looking forward to reuniting on this project, and in less than a week, you’ll be able to hear their voices bringing this wonderful body of work to a new level.

Here are just a few of the wonderful things all of you had to share about Holly’s demo:

“I like this. Good inflection. Engaging and doesn’t sound like reading…”

“I really liked the quality of her voice — smooth, emotive, authoritative, and yet not threatening. Some one who’s opinion I might listen to….”

“Like the voice and the information.” “…good, sounds like a parent…”

“i like this style, not smarmy, but seems caring…”

“Sounds like your ‘every woman next door…’voice”

“warm, present, clear, open, direct, engaging.”

“expressive… I like the voice.”

“This person sounds friendly and like a caring mom…”

“Clear, loud voice. Keeps me paying attention…”

“Easy to listen to and personal…”

It is such a joy to celebrate in the wins of others.

For your Family,

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. This information is going to start coming pretty fast. We have a lot to cover and the launch is not far away. In a few days, we’ll be introducing a simple Tutorial Video, to show you how to get the most out of your subscription to Breakthrough Parenting Online.

PPS. It’s MacEwen’s birthday today, May 30th. I’ve been so impressed with the amount of time and energy he’s volunteered to get this off the ground. Do me a favor and post a comment in the section below. He’ll get a kick out of it!

Also, we’re less than a week away from launching Breakthrough Parenting Online. Its so exciting! I literally am buzzing with excitement.

A few days ago you got to meet a new member of our team and many of you had some wonderful responses to that post. I mentioned that another person would be joining soon, and just in time.

We’re very proud to introduce Julia Maki who is located in Embarrass Minnesota, is an outstanding mother, and has proven an amazing addition in a few short days.

Her focus is responding to e-mails, blog posts, comments, and contest winners *HINT HINT* — there is a contest winner coming soon for the Audio Book Contest. But without delay, please help me welcome Julia Maki!

As a mother of three young children, I can’t explain how excited I am to be part of Breakthrough Parenting Online. It is giving me the chance to use my job-related skills to pursue a goal that I have a very strong personal interest in. And, I get the opportunity to work from home.

My relationship with Breakthrough Parenting Online began through Elance, an on-line company that lists professional freelancers who out-source their services. After I was selected to start the interview process, I didn’t anticipate on how the company would reach out to me on both a personal and professional manner.

[In the video Julia mentions Breakthrough Online Media which is the parent company to Breakthrough Parenting Online… Don’t let it confuse you, please.]

The interview process involved several different steps, which helped to both educate me on the composition and direction of the company as well as comfortably identify my strengths and weaknesses. During the interview process, I missed a deadline due to a death in the family and my brother having surgery, all within three days of each other.

Breakthrough Parenting Online had the compassion and understanding to personally contact me after I missed the deadline and offered to give me an extension. Several weeks later they offered me a position with them. Not many companies would be that understanding or forgiving.

I have a great love and compassion for the principles on which Breakthrough Parenting Online is built. Breakthrough Parenting Online is helping me become a better parent for all three of my children, especially my one child who has special needs. I look forward to assisting the company in helping parents world-wide become better educated at raising their children to be more responsible, cooperative and well-adjusted.

How about that? We have gotten so extraordinarily lucky with the wonderful people who are coming on board to work with us. I know all of you will love working with Julia, and with Bristolyn who we introduced a few days ago.

Again, I’d love to see videos that you make of your families at home. We’ll be holding a contest soon and I promise to make it extra fun!

Next time I share with you, you’ll find out about the winner(s) of the Audio Book Contest and the time is running out! That’s right, I said winner(s), as in more than one. I’ll leave you guessing who they are for a little while. In the meantime, I’ll encourage you to pop down to the Comment Box and tell a piece of your story!

As always, for your family,

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. A very important question was asked after the last post by Bey. I’ll be adding new answers about that very soon. Maybe even tomorrow. But, there are two reasons I bring this up. First, Bey asked a question using the comment section. That is really what this is about. Making this space work for all of us. Second is, I answered as best I could and I think you’ll benefit from the response, so until I put up a full answer to all the questions, check out the reply by clicking here.

PPS. I’ve had a most surprising development in my family recently. A full sister, who was adopted at birth, decided to look for her biological family.  She found my sister Audrey and I a little over a month ago.  There was much intrigue and secrecy around her birth. I visit her and her family last week.  She is a wonderful lady and I have a very special new friend. I’m having Breakthroughs in my family, too!

The idea is to have someone who can provide whatever help you might need as a member of our community site. It’s been a long search, and we can cover more of that in a minute.

Last week we started a Contest for our Breakthrough Parenting Audio Book where you get to pick your favorite voice. (We’ve had a lot of entrants and there is still a chance to win.)

What you probably don’t know is that in our search for a Virtual Assistant to help around the office, we also ran a contest. Today, we’re introducing one of the winners who is coming on board. We’ll let her tell her story in her own words. But first, you need to know a little background.

As part of the “contest” we asked our Virtual Assistant candidates to make a short video of themselves. See, none of these people are in the same town as us. In fact some weren’t even in the same country. And we wanted to see who our clients would be speaking with on the phone or communicating with on the site.

Many of the people followed the instructions, but not all of them. Here’s one video we’ve been really excited to share with you!

Now Introducing our new Virtual Assistant, Bristolyn Lamar..

My name is Bristolyn Lamar, and not only am I the creator of the video you just viewed but I am also the growling mother at each of the children’s antics. The growling was actually a real thing on my part in filming the video as I thought that my computer had just crashed on me. When my daughter and I were reviewing the scene we had just shot and saw my “scowl” we burst into tears laughing at how bad I looked. When we added the sound effect it just seemed to fit - scowl and all! Probably a look that all mothers give from time to time but never actually see for themselves. I don’t think it’s a good look on me at all!

The video was created on a Macintosh Notebook using the built in camera and all of the editing was done on I-Movie, a program that I could never ever do without. My inspiration for this film actually came from my own two children, the two featured in the video. My children, oddly enough, did not have a very difficult time playing the bratty children in this video as the part seems to come quite naturally for them! They are actually pretty good kids overall and were very helpful to me in making this video. It did cost me a shopping spree for them though. Small price to pay.

I was asked to make a video for the Breakthrough Parenting Online interview process that I was involved in and I honestly almost walked away at this point. In detail, I was asked to make a short video showing me at home, me at work, and me as a Virtual Assistant for Breakthrough Parenting Online. I guess I almost walked away because this task just seemed a bit too drab for me and I thought I would put myself to sleep while filming. “Do I dare be creative and attempt to stretch the rules a bit? What would they think of me if I submitted something a bit beyond what they were asking?” I had so much self-doubt, yet, I decided that in the end I wanted to be true to myself and my nature and do my video my way. One small problem, I was already late in my deadline in turning this in! I guess I spent too much time thinking - now what?

Well, I decided to do the video the way I envisioned it and since I was already late in meeting the deadline I felt I had nothing to lose. Surely I was not going to get the job…. I couldn’t even follow a deadline on the interview process! So my children and I shot the video and spent hours in front of I-Movie editing and putting all of the pieces into place. The video you just saw is the end result of that and one that we all sat back and enjoyed.

I then submitted the video and waited…and waited…and waited. No answer back. Now I was sure that I really did not have the job and my video was just horrible to boot. I spent 24 hours waiting to hear and beating myself up emotionally when finally the word came - I made it to the final round of the interview process — all thanks to the video! I think I have discovered that I am a bit better at this video creating than I thought!

P.S. - I got the job too!!!

Bristolyn is being modest. We were looking for someone to help out around the office. And we found someone to support product development as well.

Just look at how creatively she can tell a story in a few minutes. So, we made a role for her and she started right away. Her job is to make sure that all of what you see, hear and learn from on the site is in top form. And we have no doubt she will do a wonderful job.

Also important is the example she set.

We’ve known all along that we really want parents to create videos of their children before Breakthrough Parenting came in to their lives, and after. Now we know how great those can be to watch.

So, we’ll be holding another contest for parents and families (kids, you too!) and we’ll be announcing all the details very soon. Just know that now would be a great time to get out the video camera and start filming those little bundles of joy in all their glory.

Keep your eyes on this site for details about the Kid’s Video Contest that could make being a member of Breakthrough Parenting Online (com) even sweeter.

Until next time, don’t forget to rate the voices on our Audio Book Contest, and thank you for all that you bring to our efforts here!

For your family!

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. I mentioned that there will be another introduction to another member of our team in a few days. Her name is Julia, mother of three, and she’s going to be handling a lot of the back office functions and connecting with people through the site. Keep an eye out for an introduction to her soon.

PPS. I’m on vacation for a few more days. My team is working around the clock to fill in for me. While I’m away, how about everyone pop down to the Comment box (or link) and leave a note about the video you watched. Share some ideas for videos you would make. Or maybe video’s you would like to see. Use the space to get creative! You’ve been doing great so far.

A reader recently wrote me saying,

“I’m a single mom raising my 10-year-old daughter Becky. The older she gets the more uneasy I feel about how this is turning out. I am our sole support. I feel guilty for having a child with a guy that was really wrong for me – and would have been a terrible parent. I feel guilty for spending so much time away from her. I give in to her a lot and then I feel even more guilty. She is demanding, expects to have her own way and picks fights with other kids. Actually, I think Becky is becoming quite a brat. I’m at wit’s end.

Sandra

Feeling guilty for choices you made is sabotaging your success today. I can appreciate how frustrating it is to have things not turn out how you planned – but that is life! John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” The big question is, what are you going to do about it now?

Use the six steps outlined in Using Logic to Solve Problems chart to figure out what is the best thing to do. You have two problems. One is how to handle your recurring guilty response when things don’t turn out the way you planned and what to do about Becky’s behavior.

A word of caution: it sounds like you have taken on the style of a permissive parent. This is a mistake. Overly indulging a child, caving into what the child wants, buying or bribing to get good behavior creates an entitlement on the part of the child which leads to disaster. If Becky carries this into her adult life, she will end up as a person who is poorly socialized in the give and take of what healthy relationships require. Other people will resent her for asking for more than her fair share. I recommend that you take the Breakthrough Parenting: Moving Your Family from Struggle to Cooperation home study course and learn more about your parenting style and how to set appropriate boundaries.

Soon, another option will be to take the course on your computer through our Breakthrough Parenting Online system we are preparing for you. Either way, it’s clear to me how important your children are and so I encourage you to continue to explore the difference between,

LOGIC vs. DRAMA

I am struck by the amount of counseling that I do where it appears to my client like I am a genius when I am simply helping him or her use the six steps of logical problem solving. If people would do this for themselves, they wouldn’t have so many unsolved problems. Some people say logic is “common sense.” However, common sense isn’t so common. Why not? Because — drama gets in the way.

Drama is what happens when our emotions distort what is logical. Emotions are powerful persuaders – making what is illogical appear logical. We can get ourselves into big messes that way – one mess leads to another and another until we are tangled up in a ball of confusion.

While this happens to everyone, some people live their lives in drama – not logic. They also have a crazy-making way of getting you involved.

A really good way to get you involved in someone else’s drama is for that person to blame you for the problem. Your knee jerk reaction is to defend yourself. Few people have adequate boundary controls to stop the problem from escalating, so – OOPS! – defenses go up and the argument starts: “You did.” “No, I did not.” “Yes, you did.”

Of course, the way out of this drama is to use logic to figure out a solution. Try out the six logical problem solving steps on a problem you have and see how it works.

They are in your book, Breakthrough Parenting (p 245 - 248) you’ll be glad you reviewed them. And if you don’t have a copy in front of you, that’s okay.

I’m creating a new tool that will be on our site for you when you sign up as a subscriber. Just one of the many ways we’ve created to make your parenting experience a little simpler.

Before I go, I thought I’d share this adorable story about not going to drama. Anna has a special way of putting it. Use what works for you. Enjoy life!

I don’t know if Anna has a special gift for expressing herself, or if all kids have that gift and tend to lose it as they/we “grow up.” I was sort of staring off into space and Anna looked at me and said, “Daddy – are you sad?” I told her, “Nope, just worried about a few things.” Her response was precious. She said, “Well, Daddy, if you want to be happy and not to be sad then just don’t think about grown-up things. When I see people who are sad it’s ‘cause they are thinking about grown-up things.” Well – many people have told me that I think too much, that I am too negative, that I should live in the moment, but it took my teeny little Anna to really get my attention. As I was driving home and noticed that my thoughts were “drifting into worry, remorse or morbid reflection,” I’d think about what Anna said and just plain stopped it. Maybe this isn’t some everlasting phenomenal change – but very cool anyway.

~ J. Walden

Isn’t that wonderful? Our children are our best teachers.

Until next time…

For your family,

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. It’s not too late to qualify for a free copy of the Breakthrough Parenting Audio Book. All you have to do is visit the Contest page, listen to the samples there, and rate each one. It’s exciting to us to have the opportunity to include you as we develop the online course materials. Enter the Contest

PPS. I hope you are leaving your stories about Drama vs. Logic. There are so many good stories that come up in my classes, on my conference calls, and in my counseling sessions. I believe we all learn something from each other. Take a moment to scroll down below, click in the comment box, and allow an example of your child, husband, wife, or child’s teacher, anyone really, to inspire another person. Do it now before you forget the story.

I was called to be a responsible citizen and sit on a jury this week, which put a strain on my schedule, however, I’ve still been able to work with my team to prepare some special things for you.

Last time I wrote I announced we are introducing an audio version of my book Breakthrough Parenting. Here’s a sample of what that will sound like.

Click the “play” button below.

How about that? Isn’t that exciting? There is more.

CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT

I could use your help with this. Here’s how it works. Click the link below that will send you to a private page just for us. There is a list of recordings you can browse and rate which is your favorite. This will help us know who’s voice you’d like on your Audio Book. We’ll be selecting based on your votes. Once the hundredth person has rated the recordings a winner will be announced and the contest will close.

We won’t be repeating this particular contest again.

So click the link, go there now, and vote for your favorite voice to become the sound of Breakthrough Parenting right now.

Click Here to Take Audio Book Survey

I appreciate your feedback. Your opinion and experience is important to all of us here.

For your Family,

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. Thank you for your help with this. It is a relief to have good people like you in my life so that I have help in enabling more and more people to experience how to be a Breakthrough Parent.
Audio Book Survey

PPS. Last time I wrote to you about an affiliate conference call for Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructors. We’re still putting the finishing touches on that call and will let you know the minute we are ready to announce it. Until next time.

The idea here is to initiate a community and allow for conversation. I’ve been amazed at the quality of conversation that has begun.

One of our readers, Jane Meade, in Marina Del Rey, had a great response that I’ve pared down just a little to share with you:

BRAVO!!!!!!

I’m so glad to know that this is what you’ve been up to! May I forward this? Is there a “Send to a Friend” button on the site somewhere? Congratulations! I’m very happy to support this endeavor through referrals and that old stand-by…”Word of Mouth”.

Will E-Books, etc. be part of Dr. Jayne’s future? Again…so glad to hear what you’ve been doing and congratulations and best wishes for the June Launch!

Bright Blessings!
Jane

So, to answer Jane’s questions:

1. Is there a “Send to a Friend” button on the site somewhere?

I know a lot of you have been looking for ways to share what we are up to with friends, family, co-workers, people in your spiritual community. There is a “Tell A Friend” button at the bottom of each post, and on the right hand side. So, please use that to introduce people to the site.

2. Will E-Books etc. be part of Dr. Jayne’s future?

Here’s what I can tell you about the future of Breakthrough Parenting.

Two weeks ago we announced a new groundbreaking site and technology that we are calling Breakthrough Parenting Online. We invited a small number of test users to have a crack at the curriculum and here is what we noticed

Graduates of Breakthrough Parenting had no trouble using the new system.

People who’ve never heard of Breakthrough Parenting before ended up with more questions at the end than when they started

And so, we’re going to slow down a bit and share all of the coursework over the Internet.

We’ve had a lot of requests to bring the book and course work for Breakthrough Parenting online. In fact, we’ve had so much interest in it that we’re going to roll out an online version of the course before we unveil the In Action! program we’re so excited about.

That’s right!

An online version of Breakthrough Parenting. Finally!

Additionally, people have been asking about a recorded version of the book. I’ll finally be introducing a recorded version of the book. Imagine what it would be like to listen to these tools and tips in the car. Or to listen on your headphones while you take a stroll. For years people have been asking and it will be here soon.

Alongside all of this we’ll be opening a community site where parents, kids and Breakthrough Parenting instructors can mix, mingle and mentor one another along this path of parenting.

On that note - And this is IMPORTANT - We’re going to be announcing a Tele-Conference for all Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructors to learn how they can help more families and grow their business.

One of our readers asked, ” Jayne, Do you have an affiliate program for your upcoming program and products? If you do I would like to participate..!” The answer is yes! And we’ll be announcing all the details on the Tele-Conference for Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructors in the next two or three weeks. If you are certain that you’d like to participate in this program, shoot us a quick note with “Affiliate” in the headline and we’ll do our best to coordinate with you.

Here’s another person who is using this website perfectly. I got this question from a reader who was a student years ago. I get this kind of question all the time, so hopefully sharing the response with you all helps.

Once you read it, I recommend leaving a question of your own, or a story of your own in the Comments section below. This is about all of us having a place and a voice. Let’s hear from you.

My friend Loren and his wife Kathy were having challenges agreeing on what to do about their 16 year-old-daughter, Susan.

“What happened is that Kathy and I went to New York for a wedding and stayed a week. Our friend, Evelyn, agreed to stay over while we were gone. We were VERY clear with Susan about making good choices, which she usually does.”

However, one night she waited for Evelyn to go to sleep and then had some friends over. There was drinking (maybe some pot) and a neighbor called the police when he saw kids leaving the house late at night.

“Kathy and I cannot find a common ground over what to do about this. Kathy has a long story about what bad parents we have been and that we should really crack down on Susan. For me, it is about the damage that has happened in my relationship with my daughter; I don’t trust her any more.”

-Loren

As you can see, both parents had their hands full with their own issues and both wanted most to know, “How to come to an agreement?”

To begin with, everyone needs to let the drama simmer down so that logic can prevail. Once the heightened emotion has cooled off, I suggest that you and Kathy have a heart-to-heart talk with Susan to find out exactly what happened. You both need to receptively listen without resorting to lecturing or criticizing.

If Susan is afraid of the two of you she is unlikely to tell the whole truth or to accept personal responsibility for the choices that she made. After you find out who was there, what they did and for how long — in other words more accurate information– then what to do will be clearer. Breakthrough Parents know how to listen and make it safe for children to tell the truth.

You said Susan usually makes good choices. Supposing that Susan is generally cooperative and follows the rules and in this case has made a mistake, bringing out the big guns of cracking down and losing trust is overreaction. What is your goal?

A Breakthrough Parent desires a win/win outcome; this includes agreeing on rules and preserving everyone’s self-esteem. The rule of thumb for consequences is that there is a logical relationship to what the offense was and the result. I suggest that you approach Susan with a statement sentence (questions invite power struggles) such as, “Susan, we would like to know what you think we should do to make sure that we can be confident that you will not sneak friends over to drink alcohol (or smoke pot).”

Then listen. She is likely to have something wise to say if you do it right. She is the one who needs to solve her problem of making good choices as only she is in control of her thinking and behavior, not you — right?

Teenagers need to individuate which means they need to become their own person and to decide for themselves what is responsible or not. Teens are supposed to rebel, test the limits and experiment with being different in order to grow up. Susan’s behavior seems like normal teenager behavior.

Furthermore, it is rare that parents approach parenting in exactly the same way and generally it isn’t necessary to do so. Sometimes the best that you can do after everyone has expressed their opinion is to agree to disagree. After that, things miraculously seem to work out.

Dr. Jayne

PS. Hopefully you see how valuable this space can be. Share your parenting questions in the Comments section below. Share your ideas about what you’d like to have in an Online Parenting Community. Just express yourself! I’m here to help families learn tools and techniques to achieve peace in the home! By moving families from struggle to cooperation we aim to create a world that works for everyone.

PPS. I just love people’s energy and before I let you go, I want to share this short message with you:

Jayne,
This site looks fabulous! Wow! I am so impressed with what you are doing! I look forward to June to see it in full swing–and count me in!
Mollie

Children absolutely need to be rewarded for good behavior.

However, bribing children isn’t a great way to reward them. In fact, if children are continuously bribed to be good, they can end up being punished by their parent’s rewards. For example, “If you are a good boy when you are with your grandma, I’ll give you an ipod.” Well, maybe not an ipod, but anything else that a child might be given to entice him or her to cooperate.

The problem is that children should cooperate because it is the right thing to do. A bribe takes attention away from what is appropriate behavior. The end result is that a child feels that if there isn’t something in it for me, I don’t have to bother with getting along with grandma or anyone else.

Nevertheless, children should have many rewards — rewards that are based on accomplishments — small or large can make a huge difference in the positive outcome parents want to achieve. A parent’s approval of a job well done is a superbly important reward.

What children really need when they do the wrong thing is instruction. The goal is for the children to be happy with their performance. Parents need to promote in their children that inner good feeling of “I got it RIGHT!” vs. the inner feeling that “I screwed up.” The first promotes a sense of accomplishment and well-being, the other the despair of being not good enough.

Picture a newborn baby and think about all of the lessons that this baby must learn before reaching adulthood. There must be a gabillion lessons to learn how to be a fully functioning, independent and responsible adult.

The best method a parent can use is to pay most attention to a child’s accomplishments and acknowledge them with “Catch Them Being Good.” Great! Fantastic! You got it right! You can be proud of yourself! These kinds of acknowledgements are reward enough; they don’t have to be followed up with a gift of food or toys or events. Such gifts should be given as a normal part of life, not tied into behavior as a bribe.

Furthermore, if a child wants a special thing, there is much more satisfaction if this child earns extra benefits by working for them. Confusing? People earn a paycheck by working for it. Adults aren’t bribed to do a job that they agreed to do; they make an exchange of work for a paycheck. In order to become a mature adult, children need to learn how to do this.

When children don’t behave well they should be disciplined, which in Breakthrough Parenting means to teach; it never means to punish. Most parents rely too much on punishment, routinely thinking that their child deserves it when the child didn’t do the right thing.

Catch Them Being Good is one of the most important rewards a parent can give. First, because it feels good and promotes self-esteem, but secondly, and more importantly, it says to a child (and to you as well) that you got it right. This acknowledgement of a job well done builds the rational mind like no other. Everything that you know how to do right is because someone said, “Yes! I like that! Someone might have given you a good grade or a happy face.

Parents would do best by not using rewards as bribes, but to reward children with acknowledgement like Catch Them Being Good when they have done a great job.

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.

PS. Tell about a time when you were able to “Catch Them Being Good.” Write it in the comment field below. What was it like for you? What was it like for the child? Write down where you were, what was happening, how you caught yourself and what it felt like in comment section. I know I’d love to hear from you, and others will too. Add your story or comment below!

PPS. I’ve had an opportunity to be on several radio shows lately, and I’m debating making those free on future site entries, or saving them for the launch of our new BP In Action! site on June 5th, 2008. Tell me if you’d like those radio broadcasts to be free, right here. Post your requests below and send a message to my technology team. (They say they’re busy, but I tell them, “the parents are the priority”.) Help me send a message by asking for the radio interviews to be posted for free.

The first thing you should do is listen to this…
(click on the ‘play’ button, which is the one on the left)

“I thought it would be way easier to say it all in my own words.” This audio should easily play for slow internet connections as well. Run Time: 2min. 15sec.

All set?

Now, presenting…

An Introduction to Breakthrough Parenting Online, Part 1

If you could not view the video, no worries. We will cover all the questions in text format within the next couple weeks.

NOW, just head down below, and leave a comment! When you do, I’ll send you a copy of the Chapter on “Helping Your Children Learn Good Self Esteem”, just like I promised!