Ways to Reward a Child
Parents who understand the use and misuse of rewards in raising their children will excel in the most important job that they will ever have—raising children to be responsible, intelligent, moral and confident adults.
Children absolutely need to be rewarded for good behavior.
However, bribing children isn’t a great way to reward them. In fact, if children are continuously bribed to be good, they can end up being punished by their parent’s rewards. For example, “If you are a good boy when you are with your grandma, I’ll give you an ipod.” Well, maybe not an ipod, but anything else that a child might be given to entice him or her to cooperate.
The problem is that children should cooperate because it is the right thing to do. A bribe takes attention away from what is appropriate behavior. The end result is that a child feels that if there isn’t something in it for me, I don’t have to bother with getting along with grandma or anyone else.
Nevertheless, children should have many rewards — rewards that are based on accomplishments — small or large can make a huge difference in the positive outcome parents want to achieve. A parent’s approval of a job well done is a superbly important reward.
What children really need when they do the wrong thing is instruction. The goal is for the children to be happy with their performance. Parents need to promote in their children that inner good feeling of “I got it RIGHT!” vs. the inner feeling that “I screwed up.” The first promotes a sense of accomplishment and well-being, the other the despair of being not good enough.
Picture a newborn baby and think about all of the lessons that this baby must learn before reaching adulthood. There must be a gabillion lessons to learn how to be a fully functioning, independent and responsible adult.
The best method a parent can use is to pay most attention to a child’s accomplishments and acknowledge them with “Catch Them Being Good.” Great! Fantastic! You got it right! You can be proud of yourself! These kinds of acknowledgements are reward enough; they don’t have to be followed up with a gift of food or toys or events. Such gifts should be given as a normal part of life, not tied into behavior as a bribe.
Furthermore, if a child wants a special thing, there is much more satisfaction if this child earns extra benefits by working for them. Confusing? People earn a paycheck by working for it. Adults aren’t bribed to do a job that they agreed to do; they make an exchange of work for a paycheck. In order to become a mature adult, children need to learn how to do this.
When children don’t behave well they should be disciplined, which in Breakthrough Parenting means to teach; it never means to punish. Most parents rely too much on punishment, routinely thinking that their child deserves it when the child didn’t do the right thing.
Catch Them Being Good is one of the most important rewards a parent can give. First, because it feels good and promotes self-esteem, but secondly, and more importantly, it says to a child (and to you as well) that you got it right. This acknowledgement of a job well done builds the rational mind like no other. Everything that you know how to do right is because someone said, “Yes! I like that! Someone might have given you a good grade or a happy face.
Parents would do best by not using rewards as bribes, but to reward children with acknowledgement like Catch Them Being Good when they have done a great job.
Jayne A. Major, Ph.D.
PS. Tell about a time when you were able to “Catch Them Being Good.” Write it in the comment field below. What was it like for you? What was it like for the child? Write down where you were, what was happening, how you caught yourself and what it felt like in comment section. I know I’d love to hear from you, and others will too. Add your story or comment below!
PPS. I’ve had an opportunity to be on several radio shows lately, and I’m debating making those free on future site entries, or saving them for the launch of our new BP In Action! site on June 5th, 2008. Tell me if you’d like those radio broadcasts to be free, right here. Post your requests below and send a message to my technology team. (They say they’re busy, but I tell them, “the parents are the priority”.) Help me send a message by asking for the radio interviews to be posted for free.
Tags: challenging behavior, Child Behavior, ways to reward a child
May 1st, 2008 at 6:40 am
Put your radio shows on your own podcast! and link them to iTunes! ~K
May 1st, 2008 at 7:00 am
First of all, I’d like to thank Jayne for all the insight I’ve recieved over the last couple years. I think that the more informed people are with the right information, the better equipped we are to make better judgement calls.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Jane
You walk the walk and talk the talk. Many Educators do not practice what they preach, you do. I have taken your class several times over and have learned someting new each time. Jane you have helped me to raise Brittany to be a responsible young woman who I am Proud of. Keep up the Good Work.
Rick C
May 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I thought I was a cool parent, until i took Jayne’s class. Just learning about the different kinds of parenting was a eye opener. Being a “Yes” dad was not teaching my kids any structure. Learning how to talk to my kids and teaching them how to make decisions on their own
changed the way I parent.
I had been through a 4 year divorce, spent millons of dollars on lawyers, lost my kids to false accusations… I had hit rock bottom.
Jayne helped me with positive thinking and focusing on what’s best for my kids. This helped me to win my kids back and be a better parent. I think everyone who is a parent and going to be a parent should take this class to learn this new way of parenting and to break the old method of parenting.
This class changed my life for the better.
Mark Howard
May 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
This is probably the way to change the world and bring peace on Earth. There is a long way to go but that is a terrific beginning.
Bravo and thank you.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I was asked to take this course by my xwife who is trying to take my daughter away from me. The course should be reguired reading when you get married it posibly could have saved mine. What i have learned has changed the way I speak to my daughter,plus not to be her buddy but to be her parent. I want to thank you for this incredible eye opening life changing experience michael dwyer
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Hello Dr. Jayne
Thank you for creating these tools and strategies to help parents help their kids to grow up with the basket of skills they needs to develop fulfilling lives.
I would love to be able to listen to ur podcasts past and current for free from ur website. I think it will be a great way to keep spreading ur word.
MotherKaren
May 9th, 2008 at 2:33 am
A podcast would be a wonderful tool to provide for listeners. Thank you for your wonderful insight and wisdom. It is great to read information that confirms what you are attempting to do with your children in a society that is so geared to the opposite. We appreciate you!
May 20th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I have a 2 yr old daughter, and always my husband and I would try to get her to pick up her toys. I know she’s young but they have to learn sometime, right. So, it would take us anywhere from an hour to two hours to finally get her to even start picking up her toys.
Then I watched one of Breakthrough Parenting online videos, the one where it shows you instead of barking the orders for them to “do this,” and “do that,” get involved.
So one day it was almost bed time and time to clean up, so I said to my daughter, “Why doesn’t mommy come and help you clean up your toys before bedtime.” The expression on her face was priceless. She was so excited for me to come and help her you should have seen her go. There was no complaining, no whining, just an, “OK Mom,” and within 5 minutes all her toys were picked up. I just really couldn’t believe how something so simple and not hard at all made her so happy to do something.
The next night my husband was trying to get her to pick up her toys before bed. I was in the other room with our son, listening to him say over and over, “Pick up your toys please.” He was getting so frustrated. So I said to him, “Watch this, Honey”. I turned to our 2-year-old again and said, “Come on Savanah, Mommy will come and help you pick up your toys.” She took my hand and had that great big smile again.
Later that night, my husband and I talked about what had happened. He couldn’t believe how fast she changed her tune, and I said to him, “All it takes is for us to get up with her and help out. Like she likes to help us all the time with little things around the house, instead of standing there while she picks them up, get down there and pick them up with her.”
I was just so amazed how happy and excited she was that I was, “helping,” instead of watching. It melted my heart. Almost makes me wonder if it would work that easy on my husband. Who knows, maybe one day I will have to give it a try.